Emotional Release · “Die to Be Reborn”
Tonglen
To cultivate compassion (bodhicitta) by deliberately reversing the instinct to grab pleasure and avoid pain — breathing IN others’ suffering and breathing OUT relief and well-being — until the heart opens toward self and all beings.
Tonglen (Surya Das): Center in the heart. Riding the breath, breathe IN suffering/difficulty (yours, then loved ones, then all beings) and breathe OUT relief, light, and well-being — reversing the grab-the-good/push-the-bad reflex. Aspire on the breath: in — “may the difficulties of the world be absorbed into the empty nature of my mind”; out — “may all beings have all my happiness and fearlessness.” Expand the circle to all beings. Whatever you meet, bring it into your breath and heart — face it, don’t dodge it.
What it is
Tonglen (Tibetan, “giving and receiving” or “sending and taking”) is a classic Lojong (mind-training) compassion practice that Lama Surya Das — one of the senior American-born lamas in the Tibetan tradition — teaches as a centrepiece of awakening the heart ( bodhicitta).
Its defining move is counter-instinctive: instead of breathing in the good and pushing away the bad, you breathe IN the pain, darkness, and difficulty (your own or others’) and breathe OUT relief, light, happiness, and well-being.
Surya Das frames this as deliberately reversing “the natural tendency to seek pleasure and avoid discomfort,” so that the closed, self-protective heart is trained open. The practice is done riding the breath, expanding outward from yourself to loved ones and ultimately to all beings.
The Method
A faithful outline of Surya Das’s published tonglen instruction (paraphrase, with his guiding phrases quoted short):
- Prepare. “Still your mind, relax, and center yourself. Find a heart-space of compassion and love.” Settle the breath and soften the chest.
- Choose who is suffering. Bring to mind who is in difficulty — “yourself, a friend, an enemy, or the world.” Surya Das typically has you begin with yourself so the heart is warm before you turn outward.
- Ride the breath — begin with self. “As you inhale, concentrate on the good in your life, and as you exhale, let go of your challenges, conflicts, the things that separate you from others.” Let each in-breath and out-breath carry the exchange.
- Use the guiding aspiration phrases. On the in-breath: “May the difficulties, doubts, and fears in the world be absorbed into the empty nature of my mind.” On the out-breath: “May all beings have all my happiness, conviction, and fearlessness.” (In the fuller classic form, you breathe in dark, hot, heavy suffering and breathe out cool, bright, light relief.)
- Expand the circle outward. “Open the circle outward until it encompasses all beings throughout space and time” — moving from yourself, to loved ones, to neutral people, to difficult people, and finally to all sentient beings, breathing in their pain and breathing out their relief.
- Integrate — don’t dodge what arises. “Whatever you meet, bring it into your breath, your heart, your path. Face it. Don’t try to get around it, hope it isn’t there, or ignore it.” This turns ordinary obstacles, in daily life, into fuel for compassion. (Sourcing note: steps and quoted phrases follow Surya Das’s published tonglen meditation; the self-first ordering and the in-dark/out-light imagery are standard Lojong tonglen as he teaches it. Quotations are short and attributed.)
Source & Lineage
Tonglen descends from the Lojong (mind-training) teachings traced to Atisha (11th c.) and the Kadampa masters, transmitted through the Tibetan schools. Surya Das trained for decades under Tibetan masters and presents tonglen for lay Western readers in Awakening the Buddhist Heart (2000) — the heart-opening volume of his “Awakening” series — alongside his translation of the Thirty-seven Practices of a Bodhisattva and Tibetan loving-kindness and compassion meditations. → author node.
In the contemporary West, tonglen is also strongly associated with Pema Chödrön and the Shambhala/Trungpa lineage.
The Traditions' versions
Lojong tonglen (classic Tibetan) — the source form: breathe in suffering as dark smoke, breathe out relief as light. Surya Das’s version is this, in plain language.
- Pema Chödrön’s tonglen — same practice, widely taught with the four-stage structure (flash of openness, texture, personal situation, expand). → (compassion / Lojong cross-refs)
- Metta / loving-kindness — the affirmative cousin: wishing well via phrases rather than breath-exchange.
- Compassion-cultivation (secular) — CCT (Stanford) and CBCT (Emory) include structured giving/receiving and “common humanity” components close to tonglen.
- Welcoming / “feeding your demons” — other practices that turn toward rather than away from difficulty.
Common refinements
Skipping yourself. Surya Das has you warm the heart on your own pain first; starting with a heavy “enemy” while the heart is closed often backfires. Build up.
- Bracing against the in-breath. The instinct is to tense and not “let the darkness in.” Soften — you are not being harmed; you are training openness.
- Making it grim. Remember the out-breath: every inhale of pain is answered by an exhale of genuine relief and light. Keep the rhythm balanced.
- Forcing big feeling. You don’t have to manufacture floods of emotion; a sincere wish on the breath is enough.
- Bypassing your own limits. “Face it, don’t dodge it” is the spirit — but if you’re flooded, narrow back to self or a loved one, or stop. Capacity grows with practice.