Inquiry · “You Are Not Your Thoughts”
What You Think of Me Is None of My Business
The instant you notice yourself bidding for someone’s approval or bracing against their judgment, name what is happening, say the maxim — ‘what you think of me is none of my business’ — and deliberately take back the power you were handing over, returning the source of your worth to yourself.
None of my business: The moment you catch yourself bidding for approval or dreading a verdict, name it — I’m about to give them power over my worth — then say “What you think of me is none of my business,” and take the power back: my worth is mine to grant, not theirs to vote on. Then “pray to God, but row to shore” — drop the approval-need, keep the responsible action.
What it is
This is Terry Cole-Whittaker’s signature practice, distilled into the title of her 1979 bestseller. Its premise: we constantly hand our power to other people by making their approval the condition of our own okayness — performing, shrinking, over-explaining, or bracing for a verdict.
The practice is the deliberate refusal of that transaction. When you catch yourself seeking someone’s approval or fearing their disapproval, you name it, you say the maxim — what you think of me is none of my business — and you consciously take the power back.
The point is not to stop caring about people; it is to stop letting their valuation of your worth be the thing you live or die by. As Cole-Whittaker frames it, the real source of your worth is your higher self, not the votes of the people around you.
The Method
Faithfully described from Cole-Whittaker’s teaching (short attributed phrases only):
- Catch the approval-bid in the act. Notice the moment: you are about to perform, please, impress, defend, or contort yourself to win someone’s good opinion — or you feel the dread of their bad opinion. That flinch is the cue.
- Name the transaction. See clearly what is happening: I am about to give this person power over how I feel about myself. Cole-Whittaker’s whole frame is that we “give away our power” by depending on others’ approval.
- Say the maxim and mean it. Internally state: “What you think of me is none of my business.” Their opinion is their business — a product of their own history and mood, not a measurement of your worth.
- Take the power back. Deliberately return the source of your worth to yourself: My worth is not up for a vote. It is mine to grant. She places the “real source” of worth in your own higher self, not in other people.
- Right to shore. Crucially, this is not passivity or arrogance. Cole-Whittaker pairs it with “Pray to God, but row to shore” — release the need for approval and take responsible action and ownership in the world. You drop the dependence, not the effort or the accountability.
- Notice how little they’re actually thinking of you. As a deflator of the whole anxiety, she points out that “you’ll be less concerned with what others think of you, once you realize how seldom they do.” (Sourcing note: the lines above are attributed quotation and paraphrase of widely-circulated Cole-Whittaker teaching, not full reproduction of the book.)
Source & Lineage
Terry Cole-Whittaker (b. 1939) was an ordained United Church of Religious Science minister who, in the early 1980s, brought New Thought to a mass television audience from San Diego.
What You Think of Me Is None of My Business (1979) was her breakthrough book, arguing that self-worth must rest on self-acceptance rather than others’ approval. The teaching distils Religious Science (Ernest Holmes) and the wider New Thought tradition of self-generated, consciousness-first identity.
The Traditions' versions
The same move — stop sourcing your worth from others’ opinions — recurs across traditions, but Cole-Whittaker’s version is uniquely framed as a power transaction you can refuse in real time: - Don’t Take Anything Personally (Don Miguel Ruiz) — others’ words are their dream/projection; become immune to them.
Ruiz emphasises that the slight is about them; Cole-Whittaker emphasises reclaiming your own abdicated power.
- Unconditional Self-Acceptance (Albert Ellis) — refuse to rate the whole self by performance or by others’ verdicts.
- Self-Reliance / Trust Thyself (Emerson) — “nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.”
- Stoic dichotomy of control — others’ opinions are “not up to us”; do not stake your good there.
Common refinements
Weaponising it. “None of my business” can become a wall against all feedback. Reserve it for valuations of your worth, not for accurate information about your impact.
- Confusing detachment with not caring about people. You can love and value others’ wellbeing while not staking your worth on their approval. Cole-Whittaker drops the dependence, not the relationship.
- Dropping the “row to shore” half. Releasing approval-need is not an excuse for passivity or arrogance; keep taking responsible, effortful action.
- Saying it as a slogan without the inner shift. The phrase only works if you actually take the power back — re-locating worth in yourself — rather than reciting it while still bracing for the verdict.
- Using it to bypass shame. If a judgment lands hard, the work may be self-acceptance underneath (see practice below), not just deflection.